Uncomfortable Plot Summaries

What’s really going on in those block busters. Hillarious.

• 25TH HOUR: White New Yorkers commit crimes against both law and ethics; feel bad for being caught, rather than for doing it at all.
• 300: Gays kill blacks.
• 8 MILE: White man successfully coopts black culture to impress other whites.
• A CIVIL ACTION: Underqualified lawyer doesn’t listen to clients, royally botches case.
• A CRY IN THE DARK: Dogs eat baby, confusion follows.
• ALIEN: Ship fails to deliver cargo, crew don’t get bonus.
• ALIENS: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.
• AMADEUS: Man with health problems receives help from rival.
• AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON: Tourist causes riot.
• AUNTIE MAME: Spinster exposes child to sexual fetishists, socialists; thwarts marriage to good Republican girl.
• BATMAN: Wealthy man assaults the mentally ill.
• BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER: Teenage serial killer destroys town in fit of semi-religious fervor.
• CORALINE: Misfit discovers she is special person in a secret world just beside our own.
• DARK KNIGHT RETURNS: Aging sadist corrupts, endangers minor, facilitates murder, destroys superhero comic books for 30 years.
• DIE HARD: Dysfunctional cop saves marriage by murdering foreign national.
• E.T.: Out-of-control pet causes mayhem, sadness.
• FERRIS BUELLER’S DAY OFF: Amoral narcissist makes world dance for his amusement.
• FIGHT CLUB: Deranged sociopath guides yuppies to their deaths.
• GREMLINS: Distant father ruins son’s life, puts entire town at risk.
• GROUNDHOG DAY: Misanthropic creep exploits space/time anomaly to stalk coworker.
• HARRY POTTER: Celebrity Jock thinks rules don’t apply to him, is right.
• JUNO: Teen fails to get abortion, ruins lives.
• KARATE KID: Boy gains acceptance through violence.
• LARS AND THE REAL GIRL: Retarded man doesn’t know what sex toy is for.
• LORD OF THE RINGS: Midget destroys stolen property.
• MARLEY AND ME: Out-of-control pet causes mayhem, sadness.
• SERENITY: Men fight for possession of scantily clad mentally ill teenage girl.
• SE7EN: Homicide detectives unable to prevent even a single murder by admitted serial killer, killer gives cop head.
• SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS: Layabout stepdaughter shacks up with seven miners.
• STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE: Religious extremist terrorists destroy government installation, killing thousands.
• STAR WARS: EMPIRE STRIKES BACK: Boy is abused by midget, kisses sister, attempts patricide.
• STAR WARS: RETURN OF THE JEDI: Handicapped mass murderer kills septugenarian, is lauded.
• TERMINATOR: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.
• THE MATRIX: Hacker is given perfect justification for mass slaughter.
• TITANIC: Crazy old widow disregards lifelong memories of husband, children, and grandchildren in favor of that one time she fucked a bum.
• TWILIGHT: Girl gives up college for stalker.
• WIZARD OF OZ: Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first person she meets and then teams up with three strangers to kill again.

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