Stop racism! You first...

by Chris McEvoy

With the exception of most of the people on my cellphone contacts list, I still have the tendency to see humanity as 99 percent spiteful moron and one percent trans fat. So I guess I’m still the same negative creep I was going in.

But let’s avoid floccinaucinihilipilification of the process. After all, I get paid by the word, and I’d hate for you to go away thinking that you don’t need no transformation, because to tell the truth, you probably do.

This is not to say that the average corporate training workshop affair doesn’t make me want to inject mayonnaise into my neck. It’s usually like stumbling into a Kafkaesque nightmare, only with tea and biscuits. Years ago I attended a team-building session where we were given glitter, glue and finger-paints, and told, “If the company were an animal, draw the animal it would be.” I’m not kidding. I put a single dot in the centre of the A2 paper and said it was a flea.
“Why a flea?” asked the convener, dripping with saccharine fraudulence.

“Because fuck you,” I replied. I’m surprised he didn’t make me sit in the corner for the rest of the day, the condescending prick. The old corporate cliché, “There’s no ‘I’ in ‘team’” is one of the main reasons I’m a writer.

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