Dog Walker

Taken from http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/res/2286407670.html

HEY RICH-ASS DOG OWNERS:

Are you at the office 23 hours a day in a coke-fueled effort to squeeze every last penny out of your 20s and 30s?

Are you going out of town with your post-divorce trophy-girlfriend to visit your slave ship collection in the Barbados?

Do you work for a corporation that received TARP money?

I AM YOUR DOG-WALKER.

I am the most radical, bitchin’, mind-blowing dog-walking experience in all of New York City. All dogs are STOKED when I’m around, regardless of breed or sex. Your dog is gonna be on me like Charlie Sheen on a porn star made of amphetamines; when I’m ascending toward your penthouse suite in your private elevator, bitch’s nipples are gonna be ROCK HARD.

Do I have experience walking dogs?

I’M A HUMAN BEING, OF COURSE I HAVE EXPERIENCE WALKING DOGS. THIS ISN’T LINEAR ALGEBRA, FOLKS; IT’S DOG-WALKING.

Are you thinking you want someone with better credentials, someone that’s been vetted by one of those fancy-schmancy agencies with a dumb-ass pun for a name?

FLIP THE SWITCH: I went to Princeton University, I got a 1600 on my SATs, and now, for 15 bucks an hour, your precious little dog can be my f*cking master.

Are you one of those prototypical American success stories who worked your way up from nothing to live the dream, and now you want to gloat over an Ivy League grad who has been reduced to posting a dog-walking classified on skeezy-ass Craigslist?

You can shadow me while I walk! Take pictures of my pathetic face as I handle your dog’s feces with nothing but a plastic bag over my hand! I’ll wear my Princeton lettermen’s sweater! I might even cry!

Forget the agencies; I will walk your dog for less money, and I’m not some weirdo art school dropout who claims to be “in sub-verbal communication” with your dog.

I’M JUST A GUY WHO WANTS YOUR MONEY AND WILL WALK YOUR DOG TO GET IT.

Do I do overnights?

YOU BET YOUR BOATHOUSE, BUDDY!

I will sleep in your sweet-ass apartment and tend to your dog while doing it. Don’t want my poor-person skin sullying your ostrich-feather sheets? I’ll sleep on the floor! Don’t want my poor-person hair secreting oils all over the pearl-white tiles? I’ll sleep in the crate with the dog! Sh*t, as long as I’m allowed to turn on the heat, I’ll curl up in a ball and sleep in your sink WHILE THE WATER RUNS OVER MY NAKED BODY!

Am I going to steal your jewelry? No, I’m not. Am I going to jack your electronics? No way, man. Am I gonna eat some of your food? Probably, but nothing you’ll miss, maybe an apple.

I’M NOT ABOUT TO TAKE A BATH IN YOUR FOIE GRAS, MONEYBAGS.

I’m a good guy, and I’m just looking to make a little extra cash by chaperoning your dog around your stupid white bread sidewalks. So if you’re interested in the dopest, most swagged-out LEGEND OF THE UNIVERSE dog-walking champion of New York City, reply to this ad and we’ll get started in making your dog happier than a Mormon on his honeymoon.

So act now, write me. I’m excited to meet you and your dog, and I am sure as motherf*cking c*cksucking sh*t that your dog is excited to meet me, too.

Serious inquiries only, please.